People have asked me who I’m voting for, but no one’s ever asked why I’m voting for. And the answer is… $1000 A MONTH BABY #securethebag 💰💰💰
Andrew Yang was born in Schenectady, New York to two Taiwanese immigrants, though scholars speculate he was conceived parthenogenetically à la Jesus Christ.
From an early age, Yang displayed animosity towards machinery; his parents recount that he’d destroyed 14 computers by the time he turned 6. When asked why he hated technology so much, the precocious child reportedly explained that there were “2.81 million Teamsters which were at risk of losing their jobs to automation and can’t be retrained.”
For high school, Yang attended the prestigious Phillips Exeter Academy, where he subverted expectations by not being white, Anglo-Saxon, or Protestant. He went on to earn a BA in Economics, which is really cool. After getting his JD, Yang went into corporate law, but decided it was “boring as fuck” and that he’d rather do something marginally less lame.
He left to work for GMAT training company Manhattan Prep, run by his “bro” Zeke Vanderhoek. There he got his earliest inspiration for wealth redistribution, giving some of his many, many IQ points to those less fortunate. The company was sold to Kaplan in 2009; Yang walked away with a large amount of money and a renewed hatred towards automation.
That vision would come in the form of Venture for America, a non-profit organization committed to training entrepreneurs who go on to create more jobs. Following a scandal in which it was revealed that VFA was sending people to Detroit, Yang was forced to resign in 2017. Shortly thereafter, he began his campaign for president.
Andrew Yang’s most notable policy position is his support of universal basic income, or UBI. Under the proposal, every American over the age of 18 would receive $1000 a month, referred to patriotically as the “freedom dividend.” To assuage economic concerns, Yang asserts that such a program would not cause inflation, as it doesn’t affect the money supply as a whole. Furthermore, he doesn’t believe that the payout will cause the unemployment rate to break NAIRU as, by his own estimates, 98% of Americans won’t have jobs within the next decade.
While UBI appears to be a fairly liberal stance, Yang maintains that it’s quite bipartisan. The plan satisfies leftists by redistributing wealth, while, by paying for the program with a regressive value-added tax, appeases conservatives, “keeping the poors in their place.”
Yang has expressed a dislike of inequality in all forms, stating: “people need to, just like, stop being racist— and if you are going to be racist, don’t be racist anywhere near me, cause it’s like, really not cool, guys.”
Yang supports “human-centered capitalism,” an economic system with the following 3 tenets:
- Humans are more important than money
- The unit of a Human Capitalism economy is each person, not each dollar
- Markets exist to serve our common goals and values
To expand on the second point, Yang is a strong believer that “anything money can do, he can do better.” In order to give Americans the competitive edge over fiat currency, Yang hopes to use his time in office making every citizen:
- Homogeneous (But like, not in a racist way)
An avid fan of hip-hop, Yang has promised to “free Bobby,” as his first act in office. Sources suggest Yang would be amenable to freeing 6ix9ine, Tay-K, and YNW Melly, although he has yet to comment on that fact.
To resolve the opioid crisis, Yang would declare a state of national emergency and personally gun down every individual associated with Purdue Pharma, Judge Dredd style.
In an effort to combat antiquated legislation, Yang wants to put an expiration date on policies. This would take the form of comically long fuses affixed to every bill he signs, ceremonially lit and left to slowly burn out over time. To veto a bill, Yang would fold it into a paper airplane and set the manuscript ablaze immediately, after which he’d toss it at one of his staffers, a practice popularized by Amy Klobuchar.
After being elected president, Andrew would instate the Yanglican church as the supreme theocratic body of the United States, appointing himself as archbishop. In lieu of mass, congregations would hold weekly readings of dystopian YA novels, which Yang has described as “prescient, and very well-written.”
Yang has expanded on the work of philosopher Søren Kierkegaard by introducing the concept of “Yangst,” defined as the “intense existential dread of losing one’s job to automation.”
Yang supports the use of grassroots campaigns to gain support. He’s encouraged his supporters (referred to as the “YangGang”) to leave “Yangry voicemails” for their representatives, demanding that they “change the bad laws.”
Yang has publicly come out against circumcision, stating that it’s a “beta move.”
AY believes that smartphones are detrimental to the health and well-being of children, as they give kids access to sites like bodawfulreviews.
And he’s right.
Good for: The youth
Bad for: The imminent robot uprising