I genuinely struggle to think of a more egregious misnomer than “almond milk.” The fluid which holds that title bears little (if any) resemblance to its namesake components. Almond milk tastes like liquid cardboard. It tastes like water with sawdust mixed in, followed by more sawdust. If sadness, loneliness, and depression were a beverage, it still wouldn’t be almond milk, because it’s not good for anything.

Drinking almond milk is like Germany during World War I. It’s a bad time while it’s happening, and absolutely awful after. Hell, I’d probably vote for Hitler too if he promised to take care of it for me. I’m not allergic to almond milk, but I kind of wish I was, because I definitely want to die after consuming it.

To me, there is nothing that justifies drinking almond milk. Lactose intolerant? A1 beta-casein allergy? I’d kindly refer you to this list of great milk alternatives (skip over the almond milk section, obviously), all of which are preferable to drinking bark water.

To top it off, almond milk is extremely inefficient to produce. Apparently it takes about 920 gallons of water to make one gallon of almond milk, which might actually be the worst trade deal in history. Turning 920 gallons of potable water into one gallon of toxic waste is like the shittiest alchemical transmutation possible. Ed and Al got a better deal than that. And it’s not like California is exactly swimming in water. Maybe conserve some of it instead? Just a thought, Silk.

“Oh, but Bod,” you say, “it’s an acquired taste!” Okay, but… WHY ARE YOU DRINKING SO MUCH OF THIS THAT YOU ENDED UP LIKING IT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Sorry I lost my temper a bit there. Almond milk will do that to a person.

The fact that some people drink almond milk regularly is, I think, a testament to human resilience in the face of suffering. Of course, if your goal is to prove your fortitude, there are better ways. Run a marathon or something. Anything but this, really.

I would strongly encourage everyone to consider signing my petition to officially rename “almond milk,” to “awful milk.” Link here.

Good for: People who hate themselves

Bad for: Everyone and everything

Bod R8s: 0/8

****UPDATE: Almond Milk isn’t actually that bad. So… I guess ignore everything I wrote. Whoops.